There Are No Neutral Exchanges

Written by: Jaymi Firestone

Over the last few years of working with the public, I’ve learned many things about people and human nature. I’ve learned that art is often taken for granted, that money is hard to come by, and most importantly, that loyalty is scarce. That isn’t the case with everything, but I’ve learned it is when it comes to saving a buck or hurt feelings. The worst part is being wronged by the people closest to you or fellow Christians.

A few months ago, a close friend of mine and I had a falling out. Even though I attempted to resolve the issue by approaching it a few weeks later, the response I received was painful. I was told the friendship had run its course, and even though there were no hard feelings, we could simply co-exist in our church family.

The loss of that friendship, because of an argument that couldn’t be resolved, is something that still impacts my life. Sadly, that’s how things are in this world.

The bottom line is that people hurt us. We are all humans. And the fact is, at some point, a fellow believer has or will cause you disappointment. There is no getting around it. Maybe it’s a pastor, maybe someone in your bible study, or maybe it’s someone who you considered a close friend. The fact is, they are ALL people, just like you are.

Being hurt by someone who we expected to be “different” is something I think all of us can relate to. So I want to give you a few things to keep in mind when another Christian disappoints or hurts you.

1. All of us are sinners

I think that is as black and white as it gets. Human nature is to make mistakes. We say or do things to benefit ourselves. We speak disrespectfully. We let our emotions get the best of us. We gossip. We lie. We sin.

“For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.”

Romans 3:23 NIV

Read that again. ALL have sinned. You know, every single one of us. Not a single person that was, is, or will be on this earth is exempt from that verse. It’s a fact of human nature. And that fact is just proof of how desperately we need God’s grace.

2. The Cross was Built for Heavy Loads

I think it’s important for us to be reminded from time to time of what it took for us to be Christians saved from our shortcomings and sinful desires. It wasn’t that we live perfect lives. Let’s be real, none of us do (refer back to number 1). We are Christians because God sent His Son to suffer and die on a cross for our sins. We are saved by nothing we’ve done, or will do, but only by the grace God has given us through the blood Jesus shed on that cross.

“He personally carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. By his wounds you are healed.”

1 Peter‬ ‭2:24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Jesus didn’t have to hang on the cross any longer for someone who hurt you than he hung on it for you. The cross carries all sins, no matter how “big” or “small” we see them.

3. Speak the Truth IN LOVE

I will be the first to admit this might be the hardest thing for me to do when I feel disappointed or hurt by another person, especially a brother or sister in Christ.

I think it’s very important to go to someone who has hurt you, after your emotions have settled, and talk to them about how you’re feeling. The key to that is making sure you are ready to talk to them in the way a Christian should speak to another.

“Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:15‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Here’s the key…while it is important to talk things out with one another honestly, it has to be done in love. I always hear the phrase, “respond rather than react,” and I think that is exactly what we need to do with others who have wronged us. Take the time to calm down before responding to the hurt, so you can speak to them with genuine love. There is a big difference in speaking to the person in love and posting a rant on Facebook or Twitter about our feelings (which I am guilty of myself, sadly).

4. Gossiping about sinners is a sin.

Total transparency here, it is so easy to fall into the temptation to talk about others when you feel like they’ve hurt you or caused you disappointment, especially for women. That isn’t to say men are excluded from this, but we all know women love to talk (myself included). Gossip is listed in the Bible with slanderers, murderers, and even haters of God. It’s a sin. Period. We are commanded:

“to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.”

‭‭Titus‬ ‭3:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Let’s face it, talking to someone about someone else’s sin isn’t going to build either person up. Think about this quote from Brennan Manning, “In every encounter we either give life or we drain it — there is no neutral exchange.” Every encounter we have with another can either encourage or hinder their walk with God. So think about that before you begin talking about someone else.

5. Forgive…for real!

Forgiveness is spoken about in the Bible a million times it seems. So why is it that we struggle to forgive people who have hurt us then?

Do you remember the shooting that occurred in Charleston, SC at a church back in June of 2015? A man walked into a bible study and opened fire on the members in attendance. 9 people were killed by that gunman. USA Today published an article shortly after with the following statement,

“When Christians are in the news, it’s usually because they have done something wrong — they’ve gotten on the wrong side of a culture war or cheated on their wife, or worse. What the world rarely gets to see is the powerful grace that flows from a deep faith predicated on the belief that we are all sinners in need of forgiveness.”

The article went on with a short interview with a man who lost his wife and daughter in that shooting. When asked what he would say to the killer if given the chance, he said, “I would say, ‘I forgive you.’

If that didn’t give you chills, you may need to read it again. A gunman killed the two most important people in this man’s life, and he chose forgiveness.

Reality is, forgiveness feels gut wrenching most of the time. That’s why we struggle with it so much. Forgiveness isn’t for the person at fault. It’s for our own sake. Forgiveness is what allows us to let the past be the past. But what’s more important is that God commands it of us.

“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:14-15‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Remember that as you work through your disappointments with others. Forgive them so that God can forgive you.

6. The World is Watching

I think we often forget that the world really is watching our every move.

We are set apart. God created us to be that way. And people around us watch to see if we handle being wronged like God calls us to.

What story are you telling by your response to others who have hurt you? What are you showing them as you deal with your own sin and the sin of others against you?

But there is a silver lining….

There’s no way of getting around it… Christians will continue to disappoint each other. It’s just part of who we are as humans. We will mess up and hurt each other. We will all continue to sin. That’s just reality. The silver lining is this though…

Jesus died for all sinners.

He died for us while we were still sinners, plain and simple. So the next time someone disappoints you, especially a fellow Christian, consider how you respond to them, and what God expects of you in that moment.

If being hurt by people causes you to lose faith in God, then your faith was in people, not in God.