Dear Dave,
My husband lost his job four months ago, and we’re close to losing our home. I’m working three jobs trying to keep our heads above water, while he’s “waiting for the right opportunity.” I understand his feelings, but at the same time I’ve been encouraging him to find a job like delivering pizzas to help out. Should we continue this way, or should I quit my really hard job, and just let him take responsibility? I love my husband, and I hate the idea of losing the house, but this is driving me crazy.
Janet
Dear Janet,
Many guys are task-oriented, and if they’re not careful, they can start defining themselves by what they do rather than who they are. So, when a guy, in particular, loses a job it can be a huge deal in his life and a massive blow to his ego.
When I went broke a few decades ago, I had to re-think who I was in my own mind. I’d lost my business, and in many ways, I looked at that company as who I was. My identity was suddenly gone, and lots of guys go through that very same thing with a job loss.
If he’s not willing to listen to you, I think you two need to sit down with a good, objective marriage counselor, because he’s confused as to why he works. There are two reasons we work. One is to provide for our families. That’s our primary job. The second reason is to exercise our calling—the reason we were put on this planet. But you can’t accomplish the second one when you’re not doing the first one. You’ve got to make sure your family has a place to live and food on the table. Four months of a guy sitting on his butt like this is unacceptable. I don’t want to hear about being over-qualified, or anything about a career path. Get a job and take care of your family! I don’t care if it’s cutting grass, shoveling snow or delivering pizza. In situations like this, you have to stand up, be a man and take care of your responsibilities.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. Believe me, I get it. Sometimes people go through problems, and they need a break of some kind to work through the pain. I did a little of that when I went broke. But at the end of the day, we didn’t lose our home because I was sitting around doing nothing. Even when I’d lost all my self-confidence, I still went out and tried to get things started again.
It’s time for your husband to stand up, brush himself off and make something happen!
— Dave
